Saturday, June 24, 2017


This round of IVF feels completely different than the others. The first two rounds were so intense for us. We were scared and desperate and I felt every poke and prod so acutely, begging God to make it lead to a baby. We prayed almost constantly. Not exaggerating. While getting ready, driving, cooking, eating meals, as we fell asleep, cleaning, with friends and family, during commercials as we watched TV. Mike and I would take a walk together almost every night after work for the sole purpose of processing the thoughts and feelings associated with the process for months leading up to the transfers trying to prep and plan and come up with a Plan B or C or D to make sure our life didn't crumble beneath our feet if we miscarried again or the transfer was unsuccessful. We were so sad. It was all-consuming and so emotional. I googled every symptom incessantly trying to interpret its meaning and how that might effect our success rates. We felt the Lord with us but had so much trouble taking hold of the benefits of his presence.

My pregnancy with Penny was also very intense, and her birth was too. Fast forward one year and she is a happy, healthy, beautiful girl who loves to sleep, read, and snuggle with her dad, and our 3rd embryo transfer is in less than 2 weeks.

We are at the same clinic as the last two times. Same doctors, same meds, same procedures, same financial strain, but Mike and I both feel so calm. We have tried to sit down and prep and plan like we used to and we just end up talking about something else or laughing and telling jokes. When I pray about it I don't cry. When I talk to my friends about it I can breathe and even smile sometimes. I'm not afraid. I feel myself trying to make it this intense and emotional thing, not because I want to, but because I feel like it is supposed to be based on how the other two went. It's just not though. It feels light and easy. The side effects of the fertility drugs are almost comical this time. My swollen lips and pants that won't button over the bloat. I feel full. Full of peace, hope, trust, patience, and wonder. The desperation is gone. The hope and prayers for another baby are not gone, but the control and the attempt to will it into being is. I still have no idea what is going to come of this, but in my quiet time with Lord he has assured me that our family will grow. I'm holding on to that promise and not placing my expectations on it. God is good and faithful.

^^^^^I can't believe I just typed that, let alone feel it. I am certain that I could have never achieved this level of confidence without God allowing me to face situations in which he could provide and redeem and prove himself to me over and over, not because he has to but because he wants to because that is who he is and that is how much he loves us.

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