Timely Preparation for Future Eventualities

I have truly come to the end of my strength in this infertility journey. (As my father-in-law shared, perhaps that's the point.) I feel tired, weak, and angry. I am not proud to admit this but a few nights ago I was tossing and turning in bed, unable to sleep due to the racing thoughts and emotional strain, and found myself questioning the character of God and His care for me. Why would He give me the desire to be a mother and not bring it to fruition? If He wanted Mike and I to be parents, why doesn't He just give us a baby the natural way? What is the point of having us suffer through this financial/physical/emotional IVF nightmare? Is God cruel? (I know this reeks of entitlement, but I'm trying to be honest about where my heart is at even when it's not pretty.) I began to cry and in a moment of desperation I thought, "God, are you even real? I do not see you and I do not feel you and I'm doubting that you are real." As soon as I finished my thought I heard a loud smack of thunder that physically shook the foundation of our home. I shot out of bed and looked over at Mike to see if he was awake from the jolt. He was sound asleep. I feel it's important to note that I was also wearing earplugs at the time. These have become a necessity ever since our 45 year-old neighbor began practicing with his garage band of other 40-somethings well into the wee small hours of the morning. This would be cool if they were like AC/DC or something, retired but still addicted to rock and roll, but I cannot overstate how little the sounds they create resemble music. Anyway, the thunder was loud enough and strong enough to penetrate my earplugs and cause sincere concern about our safety and the wellbeing of our home. When I noticed that Mike was still asleep and our cat was resting un-phased at the foot of our bed, I knew that I had just encountered God. He responded to my insecurities in a way I could not ignore. God shook my very foundation to reassure me of His providence and ultimately, His existence in my life. Sometimes it takes being shaken up to come to a better realization of God's sovereignty and intimate care for your every moment.

When debriefing the encounter the next day I realized that I did not view this abrupt thunder as cruelty. It did not tire me or result in anger or bitterness. I viewed this gesture as compassionate, loving, and energizing because it resulted in a keener awareness of my Savior. On that note, infertility is truly shaking my foundation as well. What if I started viewing infertility the same way I viewed the thunder: as compassionate, loving, and energizing? God shakes our foundations in all sorts of ways. God brings us into a fuller understanding of Himself in all sorts of ways. This experience taught me that God is using our struggles with infertility in the same way He used the thunder, to reassure me of His providence and existence in my life. When doing some light Googling on the meaning of "providence" this definition stood out to me: timely preparation for future eventualities. Each one of our life experiences, no matter how inflamed or seemingly insignificant, is saturated in God's providence and if used correctly will help prepare us for a future that will eventually be introduced to us when the timing is right. "Providence" was also referred to as God's protective care. This indicates that God's providence is also rooted in care and intended for our protection. When applied to our season of infertility I understood that what I am experiencing now isn't God's cruelty or lack of investment in our situation, it's actually God's protection, preparation, care, and most of all, his deep love for me. I don't know what my "eventualities" will consist of, but I do know that God is deeply invested in my present circumstances and how this will help me later. He is real. He is not cruel. There is purpose in this pain.

 

Daniel 4:35: "All the inhabitants of the earth are accounted as nothing, but He does according to His will in the host of heaven and among the inhabitants of earth; and no one can ward off His hand or say to Him, 'What have You done?'"

Psalm 145:15-16: "The eyes of all look to You, and You give them their food in due time. You open Your hand and satisfy the desire of every living thing."