Why I Miss OCD

So I had a bout with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I needed organization and order like I needed oxygen. OCD effected my career, my relationships, my education, my schedule, and my general ability to function as a happy, healthy person. It took me years of counseling and exposure therapy to overcome my need to have every single aspect of my environment positioned in specific angles, labeled, alphabetical, and twice disinfected. Sometimes I miss it. Here is why.

It helped me cope. Fight with my husband? Clean the baseboards. Stressful day at work? Disinfect the doorknobs and light switches at home. Can’t sleep? Alphabetize or re-alphabetize my medicine cabinet or movie collections. This behavior gave me a false sense that my world was in order, despite what may have happened that day. Logically, I knew that clean baseboards would not undo that hurtful comment I made to my husband, but it sure did temporarily help me feel better, and cleaner, after sorting through the mess I just created emotionally.

It was always there for me. Cleaning didn’t judge me. Washing would never leave me. Whenever I needed help, day or night, my compulsions were loyal companions. This was also the hardest part of overcoming it. It’s like an alcoholic attempting sobriety while living in a bar. Temporary relief is always at arm’s length.

Nobody could take it away from me. If I wanted OCD to leave, I would have to conquer it myself, in my own time, if and only if I ever wanted it gone. OCD wanted to stay with me and it would fight back every time I tried to get rid of it. As sick as it sounds, sometimes it felt nice to have something want to stick around that badly.

Although I occasionally miss certain elements of it, I will never imprison myself with my compulsions again. They fooled me into thinking I was in control when really, they owned me. They told me what I needed to do and when I needed to do it. OCD lied to me about what it meant to cope with life’s difficulties and how to navigate stressful situations. I care about myself, my family, and my friends too much to participate in the delusion ever again.